Saturday, November 14, 2009

I can't get away from me.

It is an impossible concept to understand unless you've been there; I know this because I myself, even having been there, don't understand it. Unfortunately a lack of understanding or agreeing with it, no matter how hard I try, and I do, does note make it go away, or even lessen. To have everything someone could want and need, to have no true or valid reasons to feel so down, so low, so hopeless that you would rather disappear than live with the realization that this is how life with be... always; that nothing, no matter who or what it is, will ever be enough to make you happy, to make the pain and hurt you feel go away, is such an immense thought, it actually exhausts me. I feel a heaviness on my heart, in such a physically heavy, aching way and such an emptiness in my soul, my being accompanied by the constant worry in my mind, it's overwhelming.

I feel lost and I look everywhere and to everyone trying to find myself, but I always end up right where I start - inside my own head, back and forth... regretful, with guilt, with hopelessness. I know it seems such a selfish thought - and it is, but until you have ever felt so indescribably low, so lost, so very down, that the thought of the future is almost too much to think about; when anything rational no longer makes sense, where the thought of going on - up, then down - and dealing with the consequences, constant consequences, of both the ups and the downs, and it builds and builds and you start to think it would be better for everyone if you wouldn't be there to burden them, than you can't truly understand that however selfish it may be, it is a very real, very scary place to be. And you think about how unfair it would be to any child to ever be a mother, because you can't even handle your own life. Or how unfair it is to date anyone, because eventually they start to notice and it's not right to put anyone through being with you, taking care of you when you can't take care of yourself, trying to "bring you back", because when you're happy, when you're you, when you're fun, you're amazing... but those times are short and far apart.

And then there's the highs, where life is amazing, everyone is amazing, and you question your low times - you minimize them and think/convince yourself "I can do this, it's all in my head." But oh the consequences of the highs - it's all instant gratification, to which often come the greatest consequence. Bring on the lows. You spend so much time in the highs making up for the low times and behaviors that you make false promises which you whole-heartily intend to keep, but later when you can barely get yourself to take a shower and get ready, seem to fall to the waste side.

So many relationships and friendships have been damaged, strained, or completely lost. For many reasons relating to all of this, sometimes because it's just too much work and energy to keep them up. I just want out of my own head, away from my mind, my thoughts. Away from me. Maybe that's why I sleep so much, because it's easier than dealing with reality - it gets me from one thing to another. It gets me by.

All of this, it makes me sick when I think of it in it's entirety. Literally sick to my stomach. But then again, ask me during one of my highs, I'll dispel everything I've just said and make both you and myself think that I'm just fine. Then I'll go make a bunch of impulsive mistakes that I'll have to deal with the repercussions of later... adding more guilt and regret to the already low low.

Hopelessness, complete and tireless hopelessness.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hallow longing served only by lackless persistence

Unachievable, my happiness; so vividly unclear

Wants and desires contrary to genuine need; pursued without effort that may exceed cerebral means

Confused assurance of self-owned ailments precede an unused, assumed cure

Assertive desire to alleviate my thoughts; taunting and mocking they chase me, they trip me, they tie me to myself

I'm irrational,yet I make sense. I am found in being lost. I barely get by

A life coasts before me as I cruise control my mind

False self-worth, false self-confidence, falsely self-assured... False SELF

Accusations of my own ghosts, haunting hypocritical words; spoken of my jealous tongue

I run, I can not hide; I distract, I still haunt my own mind

Assess, diagnose. Internalize, fear

Fear loss of my excuses as actions demand me

Consequences deemed unbearable; reality, unfathomed

A destiny seemingly uncertain in the mythical hands of joy

My fears fulfilled in anguish seem inevitable

Feast my comfort food, default to my soul's misuse

Forgive me? Too kind; undeserved. Unexpected

Excuses, my glue, barely hold together the most broken of souls

I am broken